Shut your pie hole, Cora

Couldn't keep my big yap closed. So tomorrow I get another ultrasound and possible deep tissue biopsy. Because I have to know everything about everything. GAH


They were just going to take lymph nodes out of the one breast, but when we changed plans the MRI indicated that I needed another ultrasound and possibly biopsies on that side. I thought that was moot, but it actually is important since the cancer on the left in in the nodes. So if the cancer is in the nodes on the right, they have to come out too....which would not have happened had I not asked.

I am both an idiot and a genius.  

7 Days to go.

Appointment with the cancer surgeon today.  I think it's my last pre-op.  Still haven't talked to the anesthesiologist.  That person worries me most.  I keep thinking about the loss of my breasts and I just don't care.  Anything is better than constant worry about the cancer getting out of hand and spreading all over my body.

My dreams are strange recently.  Some understandable.  Water themes due to the vast amount of tea I have been consuming.  Last night bees, which I can only assume is about the cancer cells.  At the end of the dream someone (I don't know who) had redirected the bees into the sun.  They weren't coming after me any more.  There was snow (cold water) and a long bit about my family and anger.  

7 days.  One of which are Thanksgiving, my favorite day.  Friends, food, love.

 by =PixieCold

Nesting

When I was pregnant I began nesting shortly before giving birth.  This was a normal thing that I had heard about on many occasions.  This weekend feels like a nesting weekend.  I want to get things put away properly, tidied up, and scrubbed.  I am sure that part of that has to do with Thanksgiving, though we are having well loved friends over who could care less if the house was clean.

I am assuming this compulsion is something more akin to "putting my affairs in order."

Today, I do not feel as if I might die.  I do however feel peculiar.  Not exactly myself.

I'll leave it at that for now I think.

by LauraZalenga

  

Picture Day

I had my pre-op with the reconstruction lady this week, it was a lot to take in.

I have a red folder full of all the things that will happen, could happen, and things you very much don't want to happen.

Today is picture day.  The photographer I am working with is coming over for our concept and before pictures.  I have high hopes for this project.  It's keeping me focused on creation (instead of death) I am trying to write text but it all sounds so......poetic.  Dumb.  Sappy.

Or angry.

But it's picture day.  So today I make art.

Cease and Desist

Today is the day I am done.  I am done with alcohol and nicotine until I am pronounced "in remission".  Frankly, I can't imagine smoking again unless Derek dies before me.  I have reduced the booze over the last few week and have decided to make mimosa's for my final adult beverage.

It suits me.

I am fortunate to have a very supportive spouse who will be tea-totaling with me.  I am fortunate to have friends who will stand by me in the next two weeks and help be not go insanier.  I am so freaking lucky they caught this cancer early and I have had time to think about the choices I have made, the doctors I trust, and the belief that they will "fix this", and after a time of struggle and perseverance I will be fine. Better than fine.  I will be new, and renewed.  Clear headed and stronger.

Thank you for your support.  Raise a glass of something for me.

Get this shot at Cutcaster.com

Insurance

It looks like my insurance doesn't want to pay for my BRACA test ($2700) and sent me another letter saying that it may not pay for reconstruction.  (Even though the law currently says they must pay for reconstruction after a mastectomy.)

Awesome.
Fuck.

Pin Cushion

After playing pin cushion on Wednesday I have my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon next week.  I will also be starting the photo project.  Which is good.

This week was a struggle.  My back/hip has been out and hurting.

I imaging I am becoming accustomed to the word Cancer.  I have been working very hard at removing the potential for death from the concept of Cancer.  My sister-in-law, who had a mastectomy last year, said something like, "We all have it in our bodies, it's just there, so why worry about it?"

We have the technology.  We can rebuild you.  I sing mantra's to myself before falling to sleep.
"I am healthy, and strong, and centered.  My family is safe, secure, and supportive.  I have a positive mental attitude."