Denial

I talked to my mother in law last night. She wondered how we got from Lumpectomy and Radiation to mastectomy, reconstruction, and possible chemotherapy. She said this is all "very dramatic". 
Yes. Cancer is dramatic. 
Yes. Evidently, much of my family, and possibly, in part, my husband are in denial. 

Being "strong" and "handling things" does not make cancer less scary, serious, or dramatic.

Denial

by:  moviegirl78

Meltdown #4

This is lonely business.  Even more so when husband doesn't make time to go to the doctor with you. Hopefully we discussed/cried this out so I will not be quite alone, or at least not by myself.

Second choice plastic surgeon appointment today.  I hope my car gets fixed soon.  (So I can run away and join the circus.)

Watching the weather.

LOL

Walking around with an estimation of my future boobs made of rice in panty hose.  I am bouncy, and frankly a lot more symmetrical and balanced.  Still have to call the back doctor to find out how much boob my back will take.

Still having moments of abject fear.

The fact that there is brisket in the crock pot and that we moved the living room around today actually helps.

Crossed fingers

Now I wait to hear from the plastic surgeon.  I wait to hear if I have the "bad genes".  I wait to get the new surgery date.  I wait to find out if I will need chemo.

I am a worry master, but a patience novice.  I am working on that.

by ~xXxNewCultQueenX

Logic wins.

We decided on the total mastectomy, and reconstruction.
Yeah!!! New boobs.  Boo!!! No nipples.
That's gonna be weird.

So I have decided to do a huge chest tattoo and make pretty art and appropriate sized circle shapes where the nipples would be.  From I understand, I can get little "bumps" put in to act like nipples.  It's not the same, but it's something.

Currently I am looking for a photographer to follow me through this process.  Have a couple people who I have reached out to.  I am going to write a book, with lots of pictures, mine and theirs.

I will come out of this a different person.  I will come out of this more beautiful and focused and healthy.  (lather, rinse, repeat.)

Here is the concept for my tattoo:

   How Koi Become Dragons

By: Koiponder

Written on July 29th, 2009

In the wild, koi are cold water fish who gain strength by swimming against currents. It seems they have captured the imagination of fish fanciers for centuries.   Many years ago, in a time before recorded history, a huge school containing thousands of koi swam up the Yellow River. The colors of their well muscled bodies flashed in the sunlight making them seem like a million living jewels. All was going well until the koi reached a waterfall. Immediately, a large number of them grew discouraged and turned back, finding it much easier to simply go with the flow of the river.   Yet, a determined group of 360 koi stayed on. Straining and leaping, each koi strove to reach the top of the falls. Again and again they flung their bodies into the air only to fall back into the water. All this splashing noise drew the attention of the local demons who laughed at the efforts of the struggling koi. Adding to their misery, the demons sadistically increased the height of the falls. Still the koi refused give up!   Undeterred, the koi continued their efforts for one hundred years. At last, with one heroic leap, a single koi reached the top of the falls. The God’s smiled down in approval and transformed the exhausted koi into a shining golden dragon. He joyfully spends his days chasing pearls of wisdom across the skies of the vast and eternal heavens. Whenever another koi finds the strength and courage to leap up the falls, he or she too becomes a heavenly dragon.   The falls have become know as the Dragon’s Gate and, because of their endurance and perseverance, koi have become symbolic of overcoming adversity and fulfilling one’s destiny. 

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=celestial+dragon&offset=120#/d3a9e91

New Information

Went to see my gp today to get the hysterectomy planning going.  Not going to let my lady parts to sneak up on me.  Their sneaky, those lady parts.

Next up time for a little work and a sandwich.  Unfortunately, my car died where I had lunch.  Had to get the other car, return D to home, and fly to Dr. 2, the radiologist.  I liked absolutely NOTHING he had to say.  I understand they have to tell you everything, and some of it was unpleasant, but given thought, the radiology they were planning for me sounded crazy.  Actually radiology in general seems crazy.  Radiation on the breast with a small plate over my heart sounds like something I don't want to do.

Drive from there to where my car broke and called the worlds stupidest tow truck people.  Why don't people understand time?  25 min. is not equal to 10 min.  The fact that they took 1.5 hours to get my car up on the trailer boggles my mind.

I left them to it and went to Dr. B, my surgeon.  I was informed that there was something unpleasant and tricky in my right breast.  That pretty much sealed the deal.  The difference between plan A:  Lumpectomy and hard core radiation and plan B:  total mastectomy is this:

Plan A gives me a chance of getting another cancer within 10 years.  A 10-15% chance.
Plan B gives me a chance of getting another cancer within the next ten years of 3%

It seems pretty logical to go with Plan B.  Yes, it's more invasive and involved.  But we had a second to think about it.  I was originally supposed to have surgery on Thursday, but one of the doctors couldn't make it.  Now I have time to think.

Big day.

Tomorrow is a big day. Primary care doc. and referral to an OB for Hysterectomy, followed by radiologist, followed by surgeon. In between, I think I will do some thrifting and take some fall pictures here and there. 

Hoping that I don't have the "bad" gene.  Hoping beyond hope that I don't need chemo.  

No chemo, no chemo, no chemo, no chemo, no chemo, no chemo.

Better

Better mood this morning.  I am up because I have a ticket to see the President of the United States on Wednesday, the day before my surgery.  

This week is going to be a bitch, but there are some bright bits.  

A dark mood

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

-Emily Dickenson

Punishment

What stage of grief is this?  I woke this morning teary.  I have thought to myself, "You have been missing it.  This is your punishment."  My punishment for not participating in my life.  My punishment for being afraid of everything.  My punishment for my self imposed isolation.

Bucket List

I feel like I need a bucket list.  I have always been good at making lists.  I am also very good at wishing, but you have to be careful about what you wish for.  I have been wishing for a more fit body, a thin body, bigger boobs, for as long as I can remember.  I forgot to "wish" that these things wouldn't come to me through the cancer.

So today I have been thinking of things I want for my son, for Derek.  Places I would like to see, and people I deeply want to spend time with.  Things I would like to surround myself with.  Things I would like to achieve.

And instead of just wanting and thinking, but actually making plans, and thinking of ways to make things happen.  Step by step ways, so I don't fall into the "be careful what you wish for" trap.  My personal genie in the bottle has a sick sense of humor.

I will be doing a photo journal for this experience, this cancer.  I need to do this.  So soon, my pictures will be here too.

MRI

Thank God for Kimiko for picking up Jack for the haunt. Derek is still loopy, and I just got back from the MRI. Felt like it was going to shake my teeth right out of my mouth. I touched my fingers together at one point and felt lit up by electricity, like putting a butter knife in an electrical socket.  I counted out 30 min. but the young MRI tech promised it was less.  He was a liar, but trying.  I don't like laying on my stomach much.  Looking at the pictures of my breasts I wondered why men like this view so much.  They seem so awkward and misshapen hanging down that way.  But maybe larger too.  I don't know.

At this point I don't care.  

It's fall.  It's been 5 weeks since the mammogram that found the cancer.  The cancer.  Not my cancer.  It's an unwanted guest, destined to be evicted with great alacrity and prejudice.

Today's little slice of horror.

45 min. worth.  And I have metal in my neck that will constantly be pulled at.  Fun!

I am not the cancer.  I am however my complete annoyance at having the cancer.

Diagnosis Part 2

I have Grade One Stage One Invasive Ductile Carcinoma that is Estrogen receptor positive.

So.  MRI on Friday (Tomorrow), Surgery next week.  (Hopefully).  I am in a research study for a one shot Radiation treatment during my lumpectomy.  They will also be doing a touch prep gross evaluation while I am asleep.

Hopefully, that will be all I need unless tests come back indicating I need Chemo.  I will be on Tamoxifen for a very long time (possibly forever.).

I have to start thinking about if I want to keep my lady parts.  Regardless of the Tamoxifen.

I can still have coffee and a drink if I would like!!!  (for the time being.)


That's all I got for now.

Cry me a river

Felt more like crying a river than river walking.  Only made it through about 20 min of water walking class this morning.  Walked as stoically as possible to the locker room and cried for 20 more.

Probably just over tired.

Health history

Must do current and past health history today.  Surgeon tomorrow.  Did not sleep last night.

Dreamed of an old lover.

My Dentist Sent Me Flowers

I love the people at my dental office.  I went in to check on when my last work was and I told them I had cancer.  The cancer.

I don't have time for cancer.  I had time to stop in and tell them though.  I tell everyone.  It's like being pregnant, only in a negative way.  People respond the same way.  "OH WOW, how do you feel?" Just like when I was pregnant.

Tired

Tired, almost to the point of falling over.  Always at 2:30p.

Foot hurts.  Tomorrow will be better.  Seeing Judy for Lunch and Acupuncture (probably with a short nap wrapped in.)

No smokes today.  So far not a single puff.  Sinking.

Things to ask, after you ask "Am I Going to Die Soon"

Note to Self:

Fill out your 5 wishes.
Ask for referral to cancer nutritionist.
Ask for referral to cancer support group.

Notes for Doctor:

Make sure LabCorp Only

Can I take Vit. D and Vit. C?
How about milk thistle?

Any foods to avoid?  Coffee?  Booze?

Birth control?

Blood markers for metastasis?

For Surgeon:

Ask about a frozen -section biopsy.
Make sure about clean margins.
Be sure to express that I don't care about scaring, maiming,  dimples.  Get it, and get it all.
Tell her about fast metabolism of pain killers and anesthesia 
How long until results are ready?
How will we know if it has metastatic qualities?
What further tests are needed?
Is it estrogen and/or progesterone receptor positive?
Testing for the C in lymph (sentinel node?), lungs, liver, etc.?
Surgical options - lumpectomy, mastectomy?
When will I go to oncology?


For oncology:

Port in chest?





 

Diagnosis

I had some biopsies last week.  It's Breast Cancer Awareness month and I did my mammogram because I found some lumps.  They are usually nothing, but this time, I wasn't so lucky. 

I got my diagnosis this Tuesday.  It hit me kind of like a mac truck.  First I told my husband.  Then called my boss, because I am practical like that.  Next Facebook, because you have to tell your friends and that's the quickest way to spread news:

October 9th:

So yeah, I have cancer. Hopefully they will be able to just cut it all out.  

The good thing about being a Professional Pessimist(tm) is you are not overly shocked. (Actually, I think I might be in shock.) Don't you worry (but please keep me in your thoughts), I will beat this minor disturbance in my cellar structure. I am going to miss coffee and booze and cloves, but those are probably the things that lead to this. 

Love you all. Mean it.

Later I went to lunch with very good friends.  That was good.

So far, all I know is this:  

I have G1 tumors that are ductile and local.  They are in a centinal node.  

Appointment with the surgeon on Thursday.  So far I have purchased and am reading 2 books.

A Survivor's Guide to Kicking Cancer's Ass and a book about whole foods for cancer.

------------------------------------------

That's all I've got so far.  My body hurts, I am tired from lack of sleep, by boob still hurts from biopsy (1/4th of my breast turned black and blue.)  I'm pissed.  I need to quit smoking, coffee, and booze all at the same fucking time, and I am pissed.  

Onward into the void.