About Damn Time

I was finally release to wear a normal bra with under wire.  I have still been having issues with finding ones that fit right, but it is a big step.

I still have 3 months until nipple reconstruction OR a reconstruction revision.  I can't say I am super  please with how they look.  They are just so foreign and one does sit lower than the other.  I don't know what I am going to do next.  Everyone has different sized boobs, or uneven or whatever.  I have to think long and hard about yet another surgery.

Well Crap

I got a nurse to read my mri report ( I got an mri in october ), I guess I have a cyst on/near my spine. Obviously it's been growing, which is why the pain is ramping up. Make sense. (People in pain sometimes feel like they are crazy. Especially when so many people "live" with degenerative disc disease.) I like knowing that there is a pretty clear REASON for my pain. (And that I am not just imagining that it is getting worse.)


Hoping that it's not going to take surgery, but preparing for it.

Hoping it's not cancer again.  Trying not to think about it.

Strange Boobs - Again

I get the new breasts examined on Monday.  They seem strange.  Lumpy.  I have in fact found a small hard lump not directly under the scar.  I am also thinking my flesh is bigger than the fun bags.  Maybe that's why they seem so fluid.  Dunno.

I am sure they are fine.  Or at least as fine as fake boobs get.

A great article and an update...

This is a fabulous read about the embarrassment of cancer.  

Everything is sort of on the fence here.  One of my reconstructed breasts has fallen, meaning I have broken through the stitches holding it in place.

I will need another surgery to correct it.

*sigh*

My back is not awesome either.  Hopefully will get a MRI next week and another ablation.

Soon it will be a year since my mastectomy.  A YEAR.  I am on the home stretch, but it still feels never ending.

Molly's P.INK Tattoo

Steady on...

I got a glimpse of the scars this week, but just that.  I don't think my PA wants me to obsess over the scars.  I didn't look at them in the mirror so I don't know about symmetry yet.  I was told they are behaving well.  I certainly hope so.  Sleeping on a slope is not a lot of fun.  Neither is sleeping in the hospital bra that I am chained to 24/7.  It's like a chastity belt for your boobs.

I am thinking more and more of the book and hopefully gallery show.  Writing the book in my head.  Some of that has to get on an actual page.

Used in accordance of terms of service by the creative director (that's me) at cutcaster.com

Ps.  Fuck Cancer

Post-op

Post-op today.  Hoping to get permission to drive.

It's the little things.

No sleep

Trying to sleep on my back at a 40 degree angle is more difficult than I could possibly imagine.  3 hours last night.

First post-op appointment today.

Next.....

Ok, this part really is over. The spacers are gone and the new ones are in. Don't know what they are like yet. Still bandaged of course and pretty damn compressed. Youch. Surgery, after the falling to sleep part. Evidently I had a fucked up allergic reaction to the antibiotics. My skin is still crawling. I went from normal to hives head to toe in about 10 min. Then I was out cold. Woke muzzy but good. Got to come home. Me and sleep are not friends just not. I am a side sleeper and have to sleep on my back at about 35-45 degrees for a month or so. (Hopefully not the whole 3 months) The 3 months will be in a bra 24/7 moving and shaping. Then the nip tattoo (which I have no nerves to feel....so no prob.) I have a lot to think about in the next three months or so. I have been traveling toward better and better health, so getting hit with cancer was a shocker. I don't much like surprises. So diligent for the next 3-5 years with Dr. Cutie Jew, Dr. Paul. (Yes, I call him that to his face. He is soooooo cute) I want to write a huge assed letter to all of you who have been so freaking supportive....and I will, but for now maybe a nap in the chair.

10 days to go....

It's getting real.  10 days until the last surgery.  Hard to focus these days.

Sick

Like really sick.  For 4 days now.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I just want to feel better.

Never ending...

Woke up in insane leg pain. (All the same only worse). Called my PT guy right away. 3x a week until surgery. Hopefully that will help because I have been told I will be given no more pain meds. The only thing that is OK is standing. Sitting and even laying down is painful. Cried. Hard. Poor long suffering husband held me. They want to change my pre-op to tomorrow. Any bets on if my surgery will be pushed back again?

I am trying to hide my tears from my son.  I told him I would likely be very fragile leading up to the surgery.  Cry a lot, be curt, freak out.

He said, "But mom, you cried all last year, and it was my best year of school."  Which of course made me weep, quietly in the bathroom.

When will this end?

Hopefully this is it......

New surgery date:  September 16.

Never Again

I met a woman yesterday who had stage 3 breast cancer. She chose a total mastectomy, and said she couldn't get the rebuild. She was cancer free but worries every single day about getting the cancer back somewhere else at any moment. I don't want to be her. I just want this to be over.

Dancing Star

......or at least that's what I tell myself.   Appointment made for my final surgery.  After that I will consider myself cancer free and this long long ride will come to an end and I will become a dancing star.  :-)

I have heard so many of these.....

Watch this

Amazing.  Very worth the 10 min.  Also, ladies please don't forget to get squished.  

Another thought, I hope this guy/company/university makes this so cheap to use that EVERYONE can afford to have this test once a year.

Today's TEDxTalk: “If you find cancer early enough, most have a nearly 100% cure rate.” Raj Krishnan at TEDxSanDiego

Pre-Op

Today is pre-op day for the hysterectomy next week.  A nice lady called and asked me about 4 dozen questions.  I shouldn't be as afraid as I am.  I mean today is nothing.  Ultrasound, inspection of lady parts, talking.  No big.

I quit brandy this week.
I quit smoking this week.

As soon as they give me the antibiotics I give up wine too.  Good-bye vices.  I will miss you.

I have some thoughts about Angelina Jolie.  I am going to save them for now.  



make custom gifts at Zazzle

Ps.  Here's some crap I make.

Bizarre-burlesque

So this weekend I saw a woman perform a Portus Head song while stripping at an even this weekend. She did a fine job of it. I thought of how interesting it would be if 1) I could loose enough weight to do it. 2) I could find something modern in my range. 3) find the courage to be in front of a crowd, and finally when unveiling the breasts. (which in Colorado requires pasties/paint/tape over the nipple.) I wonder what the resultant reaction would be to exposing breasts without any nipples at all........

You are not your scars.

This is important to share for those going through mastectomy or those recovering from it.

YOU ARE  BEAUTIFUL NO MATER WHAT.

The Scar Project by David Jay

This is also very powerful:

Seattle To Allow Breast Cancer Survivor To Swim Topless At City Pool

Love

I am speaking of the love of another, after an online conversation regarding what obsessiveness love is.  I want to leave this here so I will not forget. (even though I wrote it....it's like that some days.

I often wish that I could just shake 15-25 year old's, and say, "You are not looking for love, you are not looking for that feeling in your pants, or that ever present thought, you are looking for your best friend.  The one you could share ever day of your life with.  When they are ugly, when you are ugly, when you are old, or hurt, or crying.  You are looking for the person you can talk to about your every thought with.  You are looking for the person who ignores your farts, and likes the same food as you.  You are looking for someone who can help you grow, and who you can help grow.  

Now go out...and find that.

I cannot begin to think of living through this without my partner/husband and best friend.  It's not luck that leads you to your soul mate, it is the ability to work to find them.  

Deep Thoughts

Do you ever wonder what people will say about you when you are gone?

April has been every ounce of cruelty promised in the poem below. I am watching out my window as the wind blows snow slightly to the west, bound and determined to snub the remaining tulips, daffodils, and hyacinth. My mood is as grim as the sky.  In between surgeries. At a crossroads in my marriage. Buried in self doubt.  Moored only by my son, drifting on a sea of grey, where there are days that even he drifts from me. .....

I think they will just say that I was a sad woman.

HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME

....the bills are coming in.

Having cancer is expensive. Hell, I got a $1600 bill from someone I don't know for what I don't know. Time to start getting the itemized bills.

Oh, and tried to get my last "fill" into my spacers today. I was improved but not enough. My lovely PA had a dream about me last night, being so happy with my new boobs. I hope her dreams come true, because just now, I feel like a monster. I didn't think I would feel this way. Just not one with my body. Not one with my woman-hood. Strange, alone, frightened...still. Luckily my husband returns on Saturday (or Sunday if Winter Storm 'Saturn' becomes a little more bitchy than they predicted.)

Fuck.

The deductible bills are coming through. Thousands of dollars worth. I could use a hand, but never ask for something for nothing. Check out my Etsy page. Maybe you will find something you like and help me pay off my bills at the same time.

Logic/Not Logic

Handy Tip:  Even though you are technically recovering, in my case still in the rebuilding process, if your significant other needs to travel for work, something will happen and you WILL feel alone, angry, stupid, and afraid.  Life will continue for everyone else but you.  For you, it will stand still until your life mate/support system returns.

I am not bitter.  (Well a little) My husband had to go to India for 3 weeks.  I am half way through.  He will be home on the 9th.  I cannot express what a mistake this was.

"I'll be fine," I said.
"I have the kid," I said.
"It is logical for you to go.  You have the insurance card/job/providership." I said.

We didn't take into account that February is the snowiest month in Colorado.  We didn't take into account that anything could go sideways health wise either.  Ok, so it's just a little infection, and allergic reaction, but still everything is amplified right now.  Turned up to 11 and a half.

Half way through.

I have been fortunate enough to have a friend who came over to shovel, and a couple who have taken me to the grocery in a blizzard.  I have my online community and my work and my child, but I am so lonely right now.  Today.

And it is illogical.

Second Handy Tip:  If you can avoid Sulfa drugs, do.  It's a totally uncomfortable, weird, nauseous, horrible time. 

A little set back....

Went in for my fill today.  It's my first to last.  My left breast has some bruising that has to be watched.  I am hoping it is just the skin being weird, not a full on infection, but they did put me back on the antibiotics.

I have had MRSA so I know what to look for.  The wonderful PA I see outlined the area so I can watch for spreading.  It's all very clinical and logical as these things go. We are not doing my last fill until a week from now.  Taking a week off to make sure I heal properly.   I do feel like I have a cold coming on.  I feel awful and tired from not being able to sleep properly.

My husband is in India, and I don't really have anyone to lean on, to worry on.  Believe me, I worry on people, not to people.  I am often surprised that my husband doesn't buckle under the weight of it.

Not a fantastic day.

The high cost of living....

News of the day: The shot that I MUST take every 3 months until I get my lady parts removed, costs 11K a shot I am prescribed to take every 3 months.  That's $11,000. Eleven Thousand. And right now, they are just not sure of what my co-pay is. 


*blink*  

Cancer is awesome.

Picture by Your's Truly

At Cutcaster.com

A different thought....

This is pretty amazing.  For those who don't want to replace their breast:

From: The Daily Mail

*Crickets*

Tip to Friends of Recovering Cancer Patients:  Out of the hospital and in recovery is much less interesting but we still need you.

TMI

.....see also Stabby.

I believe when I write this book, publish the pictures and what not, I will need an appendix of "things they don't tell you".  Most of these things are either gross or painful.  Today's little post qualify for both gross and painful.  See also:  Too much information.

Onward under the cut!

Strange boobs...

My boobs are weird today.  How many times in your life do you get to say that?  The saline spacer implants shift so today the right one (Bob) has some really attractive upper cleavage    While the left (Doug) is still languishing but has nice bottom weight.

More saline tomorrow.

We took pictures after last week's fill.  I did a few pics of yours truly in a gas mask for my sisters having to deal with the chemo.  Stay strong ladies!!

That makes only two appointments this week.  The other one was bone density, so tomorrow will be the only painful one.  Go me!

In other news, we have a meeting on Thursday regarding Jack getting kicked in the junk by another kid, right before Christmas break.  That should be fun.  I am actually thinking of not going.  The shot they are giving me to force me into menopause is making me just a tiny bit volatile.  (See below).

Song of the Moment

"Strange brew -- killin' what's inside of you. 
On a boat in the middle of a raging sea, 
She would make a scene for it all to be Ignored."

-Cream 

   

Wooo Hooooo!!!

Every appointment with the cancer doctor (oncologist) should be like a mini-holiday.  I mean, he's all dressed up.  Always the nice suit and all.  I think I should get new shoes each time at least.  But really, I think I deserve a nice dress, and a mani/pedi.

Today we decided to throw my body into menopause hard, fast, and because we can.  You know what that means????  Hard and fast hot flashes, mood swings ( like I need more of those ) and a very painful shot in the ass every 3 months.  (I counted to 45.  That's 45 seconds of what-ever-the-hell being pushed very very slowly into my ass.)

I also found that the vampires will need just 4 (FOUR) vials of blood every 3 months for the foreseeable future.  Fan-Fucking-Tastic!  I am so excited.

(The pan, she is dead.)

So it's been a red letter week.  I flipped my shit, ran away from home, gave my son a full on panic attack, cried myself dry, crashed my computer (reboot/re-installed/regurgitated), and though it is only Tuesday I have a cancer appointment every single fucking day this week.

Hey, but I have a new trick.  I can flex my right breast.  It's hilarious.

I am rusting away.

PS.  And this is a huge PS.  If I didn't have friends like Kimpy, who send me hand written letters, and pictures from her daughters, I might curl up and die.  Thank you my friends.  I love you.

Music of the Moment: